I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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