my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
