I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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