it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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