There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
