Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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