The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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