I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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