Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
