The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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