I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
