I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
