WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
