I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
