Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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