3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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