If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize