i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
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