I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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