accomplished twins. life is a go
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
