i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
