hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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