I forgot how hot balto sounded
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize