can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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