i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize