Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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