I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
