my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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