Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
