I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
