Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
And the cops told us we were all naked.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
