Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
