dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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