someone owes me an orgasm
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
