She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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