He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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