The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
