I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
We had to coat check the pizza.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
