that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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