Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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