these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
