i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
