I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
