High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
