he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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