I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
