not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
