OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We had sex on a dog bed..
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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