3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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