there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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