WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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