I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
