well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize