My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did you pee in the oven last night??
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
