am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
