The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Randomize
