My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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