Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
