She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
