the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize