update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
