i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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