woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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