I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
they're like a gay fantastic four
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
