Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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